Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:16 am

So my grandfather’s a drama queen. I’ve said it before. The problem is, when you are really sick, no one feels any urgency to get to the hospital.

He got out of the hospital at 6pm last night.

He called an ambulance at 11am today. He didn’t call anyone, which should’ve been a clue to us when the nurse called at around 7:30pm to tell us he was there. We finished our dinner & came home, drove right past the hospital but figured he was fine and he’d call when he got out of the ER & into a room.

She called here at 11pm to ask my mom’s permission to give him a plasma transfusion. He’s on blood thinners, and there’s an issue with something backing up into his stomach, so for them to do a colonoscopy tomorrow they risk nicking something & him bleeding out.

Right now he has a tube down his throat. They told us not to come up because they gave him a sleeping pill so he’s out, they needed him to sleep so he doesn’t throw up & cause the tube to nick his throat.

Tomorrow they’re doing the colonoscopy (he has a colostomy bag & has for about 10 years). It may be his hernia that’s giving him problems. He shouldn’t have surgery, the anesthesia is a bigger risk than most of his other medical problems, but he may need surgery. I’m terrified.

My grandfather and I have always been close. I’m the only girl out of 8 grandchildren, and I’m the 2nd to youngest (my bro is younger). Me and my brother were always with him when we were younger & our parents worked. When I moved to SC, he visited for a month every year.
When I moved back to NY, he started watching my daughter when I worked. For about 8 months, we lived with him when our landlord was a scum who sold the house we were living in and we couldn’t find another place to live, and he had extra room.

He’s a strong man, he has a lot of health problems and he’s a crybaby sometimes, but he is almost 82, he still drives, and for the most part can care for himself. He can’t watch the kids anymore, his patience is thin and he gets out of breath easily because of his emphazema. He spends most days at his girlfriend’s apartment in the building next door to his.

I’m scared right now, and I need to try to sleep because tomorrow is going to be a long day.

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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 8:15 pm

I hate it when I type an entire book and then lose the entry.

Right now my grandfather’s doing ok. He did end up having to have surgery, it was a highly emotional day. He came out of the surgery ok (a bowel re-section) and his vitals are looking better, but he’s going to be on a respirator and heavily sedated for at least the next two days.

My brother’s arriving from SC tonight, we got him a flight today because after we got to the hospital and saw my grandfather, we figured it would be best to fly him up here just in case.

When I went in to see him after the surgery, he looked really bad.. I touched his forehead & said “Hi Papa” and he opened his eyes and moved his tongue to try to talk.

I’m worn out right now. Gonna read some of the boards and then try to get some stuff around the house done since my bro will be here for a week.
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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:36 pm

On a lighter note, today my family managed to:

-Re-arrange the furniture in the ER.
-Fit 14 people in an elevator, so that we could re-arrange the furniture in another waiting room
-Make an enemy in the surgical waiting room (he was making fun of gay people.. my family don’t stand for that shit)
- Smoke 10 cigs each on the non-smoking hospital grounds
- Snap at 2 separate staff members
- Inform 20 non-relatives of the fact that we all get the shits when we get nervous & stressed. Yeah, I’m sure they were glad to hear it.
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Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:37 pm

Oh, and one more:
I spent $885 on a ticket to get my brother here. My cousin came in from PA and he flies a lot, he said “Sarah call and cancel, I’m getting him a free flight with my frequent flyer miles”.

He’s a chairman because he flies so much, the bumped someone else off the flight. He put my brother in first class.
Flying from.. get this.. Charleston, WV to Syracuse NY.

My brother lives in Charleston SC.

The airline staff said it happens all the time and thankfully fixed it with no problems.
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Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 10:39 pm
He didn’t come off the respirator at all today, his kidneys were doing worse this morning and his heart rate was up. He also had a high fever.

I think he was mad at me. Every time I moved to another side of the bed and talked to him he turned his head the other way. He didn’t do that to anyone else lol. There was a period of time I was alone in the room with him talking, and he opened his eyes and was looking for me, I was sitting so I stood up and once he saw me he wrinkled up his face like he was going to cry.

He’s sedated, but comes out of it every once in a while. Last night my aunt & I were talking and she said the doctor asked his weight and she said “I think 196″ and all of a sudden he nodded. She said his height and he shook his head no. There have been times where he’s able to squeeze our hands to let us know he’s not in pain, or is cold, or is comfortable. He mouthed my brother’s name this morning when he saw him, but when my aunt asked later if Steven came in to see him, he shook his head no.

I wish this was easier. I wish the doctors could tell us one way or another. They seem positive, but keep pointing out that he may take a turn for the worse at any time. No one has conclusive answers, and thats stressful. We went to his apartment to day to get all his bills that are due for April.

I’ve spent so much time with my family this past 3 days. We’ve claimed a certain waiting room at the hospital as “ours” and got irritated today when other people joined us. There’s a bigger waiting room with a TV down the hall, and this little closet sized room with 5 chairs is where we’ve spent many hours.

I have to work tomorrow, not quite sure how I’m gonna manage that with my mind so full of other things.

I hope you all have a great week.
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Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:19 pm

Today’s update. I’m writing these for me.

Today I was at the hospital from about 3:30pm-6:15.. we go in his room in shifts though, because 2 are allowed and we often have more than two people.

When I got there, he was very alert. A lot of shaking his head yes and no, and he was mouthing words. He actually said “yeah” and the nurse told him to stop trying to talk or he would damage his vocal cords.
When I said hi to him, he looked over at me and mouthed “hi babydoll” and reached up to hold my hand. He was smiling when one of my aunts talked to him. He freaked out at one point, the pain medicine must’ve worn off and when my mom asked if he was in pain he nodded (we ask him whenever he’s awake, and he’s usually not in pain).. she asked about different body parts and it was his stomach where the incision was done Friday that was hurting him.

No one told us that he was in complete renal failure when he first came out of surgery, so actually although his kidney function isn’t doing good, its better than it was. He has so many doctors, and there are some we have yet to get to talk to. With it being the weekend they were in and out at unusual times or times that the visiting hours are closed, and we caught a few of them but there are certain doctors we can’t seem to talk to. Most of our information is filtered through the nurses.

I’m glad he was a little more able to communicate with us today. He falls into sleep a lot in the middle of us talking to him, but thats the medicine.

Everyone’s still so vague on his prognosis, its all up in the air, he may need dialysis, he still can’t come off the respirator, he’s got MRSA so we have to wear gloves & gowns when we go in his room, blahhhhhh.

I’m tired. I worked 5 hours today, and tomorrow I’m going in the office for a full 8 hours. I’m going to see about taking half days for the rest of the week.
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Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 4:43 pm

So I was at the hospital most of the afternoon, my grandfather’s doing a lot better.

He’s still breathing on his own, and talking (when he’s awake, the sedatives are keeping him asleep quite a bit)..
Today he was itchy.. we think from his medicine. He asked my cousin to scratch his forehead. And then his leg. She’s a nurse who doesn’t get skeeved by things, so she was rubbing lotion onto his legs & feet.
Then he asked me to scratch his arm. And asked my mom to scratch his forehead, then his neck.

The 3 of us stood there scratching him. I’m sure it was an amusing sight.

Then he started talking nonsense and fell back to sleep.

They didn’t start dialysis today, they want his heart rate to steady a bit more.

So that’s today’s update. I think I might go get a tattoo with my brother

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Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:27 pm

I went to the hospital again after Mia’s dance class, Papa’s still itchy.
He asked me to scratch his head for the 2nd time, and me and my aunt disolved into a fit of giggles.
He said “Oh, ya’s think its real goddamn funny don’t ya”.

I think he’s feeling better lol. He told my brother “I feel so… goofy”. It’s the meds.
When I said goodnight to him he said “goodnight honey goodnight honey goodnight honey” and repeated it for several minutes.

He’s getting dialysis tomorrow. I’m hoping things continue to go forward, I don’t want to take anything for granted though because its one step at a time at this point.
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Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 6:47 am

He started dialysis last night and wasn’t doing very well afterwards. We didn’t go because it was 9 by the time they finished and they weren’t letting visitors in, and Mia needed to go to bed, but my aunts called and said he was very ansty, trying to rip the tubes out, and the nurses gave him a sedative. We’ll see how he’s doing today, hopefully better. Yesterday he was the same as Wed… talking a bit, sleeping a bit, itchy and tired.

My brother goes home tonight. I’m glad he’ll be out of my house, he’s bored and therefore driving me insane, but I’ll miss him. We got tattoos yesterday, I’ll take pics of them today.

I gotta get some work done and catch up on the boards.
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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:16 am

Jenna, thank you. That means so much to me.

My grandfather passed away at around 8:20pm.

I held his hand, my mom and aunts and cousins were all standing around his bed. It was so peaceful, but I can’t believe he’s gone.

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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 2:08 pm

I need to type out the story of what happened yesterday before the details are a blur. The words are so hard to say, but my fingers can type and I’m so sad that my blog has turned into the story of my grandfather’s life and death, who knew it would be this way?
I need this for me, I think. I hope to be able to read over this in the next few months, on his birthday, father’s day, and take it all in when its not so fresh.

I went to work yesterday, as of Sunday my grandfather was doing fine. He was still in CCU, but had been off the ventilator for 5 or 6 days, and the dialysis was starting to work. He had a fever, which was a bit worrisome but overall things were going better.

My aunts got to the hospital yesterday morning, and they were re-doing the dialysis catheter because the other one stopped working (apparantly the type they did only works temporarily, as we didn’t know how long he’d be on it).

When the doctor came in, they did some tests and ran bloodwork and asked my aunts to leave the room, because he had an infection and they feared septic shock so they were putting him back on the respirator. They immediately called me and my mom, and my other aunt that wasn’t there, and we rushed to the hospital.

The doctor came in after he was back on the respirator and bullshitted us about how he was doing better, the dialysis was working, blahblahblah, and we could go see him.

He was in a medically induced coma, on the respirator. He had a DNR which the CCU never got from the ER. We called all of my cousins and their wives and told them to come up ASAP, and we had the kids picked up from school and brought to the hospital.

His daughters (my mom and her 3 sisters) decided to take him off the respirator. The Dr. ordered morphine and said at about 7pm the morphine would arrive, and after he was on it for an hour they could start the process of removing the respirator.
There were about 40 of us in the waiting room. My family is huge, my grandfather has 2 living sisters (aged 88 and 89) and a lot of his nieces & nephews and family friends were there. They brought us 1 caraffe of coffee and like 10 cookies ha!

We never had to go through with that decision. We could only go in the room 6 at a time, and at about 8 his heart rate dropped to 25. My mom said “Oh no, no, everyone’s not in here yet” to my cousin. Somone got us all and we made it in the room, and the nurses closed the door.

I held his right hand, my aunt held his left. My mom was stroking his face and my cousin was kissing his forehead. His 4 daughters, 5 of his 7 grandchildren (my brother is back in SC and my oldest cousin was in Las Vegas and couldn’t get home until today), 4 of my cousin’s wives. I don’t remember who else. At least 15 of us were around his bed.

It was beautiful and peaceful and the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced.

The kids (he has 9 great-grandchildren, 5 of them were there including Mia) were able to come and kiss him and tell him goodbye while we waited for the funeral home to arrive.

Right now my mom and her sisters are meeting with the funeral director. I didn’t want to go, they should do that alone. I stayed home and picked out pictures from old albums and new albums to put on the collage.

Everyone’s worried about me. I wish they wouldn’t. Yes, I was probably the closest to him out of all of his kids and grandkids. Yes, this is the hardest loss I’ve ever experienced. I will be ok. I am so full of grief, I have cried for the last 24 hours, I can’t believe I have tears left.

It’s just going to take time. I can’t believe he’ll never come over for another cup of coffee. “Just a half’a cup honey”…
No more messages on our answering machine “It’s just Daddy honey” (I live with my mother lol).

I am also feeling very guilty. For the last year and a half I haven’t talked to him as much, seen him as much. Most of that had to do with the fact that both of us are stubborn. I wish I’d known that I wouldn’t get another chance to get over it.

Thank all of you for your kind words. DayZ and Bookie, thank you for your texts last night. Cris, thanks for the PM.

<3
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Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:28 am

Yeah I’ve been popping in and trying to read up on what’s going on with everyone when I get a chance.
Yesterday and today were hard, but somehow easier than I thought they’d be. I think all the commotion and the people have made it a lot easier.
I did break down when they played “Wind Beneath My Wings” at the funeral home this morning before we had to say our final goodbyes.. he played that at my grandmother’s funeral and kept the cassette in his car for all these years.
The words of that song ring so true.

We’re actually burying him tomorrow, they were supposed to do it today but his funeral was in the afternoon and we’d have had to pay overtime for the gravediggers. So, 10am.. we decided its because he has to be a “plucky doodle” even in death lol.

I’m not sick of my family yet, it’s nice to go home to the quiet at night but its so healing to be around all of the love and laughter and tears and craziness all day.

I need to try to sleep, probably going to read a bit more on the boards and then head out. <3
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Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:33 am

 
Ok, so some weird stuff has happened this week.

Randomness…
My grandfather was born on 6/6/26. He bought his house in 1966 for $6,666.61 (we saw this before but came across the deed again when we were cleaning). His life insurance was for $6601.00.

I find it odd that he died on 4/7/08. There are no 6′s in that. Last night I was crying, playing some stupid game on my cell phone and I said out loud “Can you really show me a sign that its all ok?”.. I average scores in the 300′s on this game, I scored 656. I cried even harder.

Ugh. and one more..

Monday we were at his apartment to clean and we walked in the door and my aunt said “What’s that on the floor?” and bent over. (side note: my other aunt had vacuumed before we left Saturday because she made a mess so there was NOTHING on the living room floor when we left).
There was a small newspaper article laying face up on the middle of the floor.

It was a poem about missing your father, and how it was hard to see the empty chair at the table. It was signed “Love, your children and grandchildren”. The type of thing that people put int a newspaper on anniversarys, birthdays, holidays for their lost loved ones.

Papa would’ve had no reason to cut it out- it was dated 3/10/2000, no one we knew died in March. And how the hell did it get in the middle of a freshly vacuumed floor? No one else had been there, there is 1 set of keys & we had them.
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Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:32 am

You guys are all so freaking amazing. Thank you for the kind and loving words.

I feel like all I do here in my blog is whine and complain, and I swear I’m not this depressing in normal day-to-day life.

My dad called last night. My brother is drinking again. He’d been sober a year, mostly, with two slip-ups that resulted in him drinking one drink, calling his sponsor & going to a meeting.

Since he left here on 4/4, he’s been drinking every day. He’s a mean drunk. My dad took his truck away from him, and fired him.

I hate that it comes to this. 18 months ago he was going to kill himself. He was drinking, taking any drugs available and beating his girlfriend. He lost his license and went to jail with court ordered rehab. He was doing so good, getting his life back together.

I hate that this is how he’s choosing to deal with the loss of our grandfather. I know its hard, having addiction issues and living 1000 miles away from everyone besides my dad.

He breaks my heart.
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Today, April 3, 2010

It’s amazing how much life has changed in 2 years. I moved to SC, learned how to drive, my brother’s doing amazing things with his life.

Sadness is a running theme for me these last few days.

I spent time at the local homeless shelter/soup kitchen last night, and I plan to go back soon and make it a regular habit.  As much as it’s nice to do things for other people, there’s some greed in this new venture of mine.  I think we need to give back to the world, it helps to put our own lives into perspective.  We often have everything we need and then some, and still feel unhappy. We still want more.  The latest gadgets and a closet full of clothes and a fridge full of food and a handful of great friends aren’t enough.  No, our health and our jobs and our pets who greet us at the door, those aren’t enough. 

We are such a greedy society.  I’ve often felt this in my life, but it hit me the hardest when I was in Belize a few years ago.. people who live in what would qualify as a lean-to, with walls that don’t meet and no real windows and dirt yards with happy kids running around playing amongst the chickens. Waving to us with a smile in our cozy air-conditioned bus as we passed by.  As I sat there with a miserable 7 year old (at the time) who was unhappy because we weren’t going swimming until later, I realized the full impact of what kind of people we are, how unknowingly selfish we are.

I took the now 11-year old child with me to the shelter, and she’ll be accompanying me on every future visit because this is something we’re doing as a family.  She can pout because I limited her text messages, or she didn’t get the new pair of sneakers she wants even though she’s already gotten 3 new pairs of shoes since school started a month & a half ago.  She can pout because we’re having chicken for dinner for the 2nd day in  a row, she can slam her door because I asked her to turn down the TV (with cable) in her room full of non-essential belongings.  But she can’t deny that her life is way more comfortable than those children at the shelter, who are staying in a room with their siblings and their mom, limited to seven outfits apiece, all donated items.  Their toys are shared, in a hallway.  They eat 3 designated meals a day, and there is no choice in what is served, it’s whatever the kitchen has received from donations.   They eat what they are given because they are hungry.  They wear what’s in their closet because it’s the only way they’ll be clothed.  They don’t have an iPod, cell phone, laptop and cable television.  Yet they greet everyone with a smile, because they are thankful for a full belly, warm clothes, a bed to sleep in at night.

I end this with a quote from Minor Myers, Jr:

“Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good.”

I have nothing to talk about. I mean, I have a lot to talk about but I’m always scared people I know will find my blog and so I don’t talk about those things.

To sum my week up: My brother asked to move in, and I told him no. My mom got a lil’ suicidal but she’s better now.  My kid is going through the terrible ‘tweens and I am struggling to not be a crazy parent. 

Oh, and online dating is creepy and weird- some way-too-young-for-me guy bailed on hanging out, and then texted me days later asking if I was “too cool to say hi ne more”. Wtf dude, we’re not even friends.

Almost everyone I know had at least one supercrappy event happen this week.  This is really crazy-sounding, but Jupiter’s in retrograde and according to my favorite astrology sources, this was going to be a bad week no matter what.  I know, I know, I sound like one of  those whacko ladies with too many cats and a penchant for QVC. Suck it.

That’s all I’ve got for now.

It’s shameful, because I make decent money, definitely enough to pay my bills. Unfortunately, about 6 months ago I ran into some money issues (partially worsened by a vacation that I spent a lot on), and now I have the trickle-down aftershocks hitting my bank account.    One overdraft fee = not enough money in the next paycheck = more overdraft fees and so on.

I got paid today.  I will have exactly $101 after I pay my rent.  That’s for gas, groceries, etc.  I’ve been on the phone all morning, because a company I owed money to took out $200 last Friday without my authorization.  While I owed them money, this caused $237 in insufficient funds, plus it caused  me to not have enough money for a $20 check (+ the $37 overdraft fee for THAT).  This company is insisting that I signed an agreement with them FIVE YEARS AGO that when I cancelled my service with them, they could charge the card on file for any remaining balance due.  How is it ok to withdraw from someone’s account without telling them?  Or maybe even asking for a date to withdraw it.. I’d have been able to pay them out of my next check, but now I am probably going to have to let my rent check go into overdraft, with even MORE insufficient funds fees.

Another problem on top of this all is my job.. they never put through my level change, so I’m not getting paid the correct amount for overtime.  I’m waiting for a callback from the Payroll department to see if they can issue me the extra $250 they still owe me, instead of making me wait until my next check. 

I can’t keep borrowing from my mom, because I have yet to pay her back a dime, and I feel really bad about that.

I hate money problems. I’ve rarely had them, and they’re embarrassing to me.

I keep feeling like I should go ‘somewhere’ with my blog, but I’ve pretty much decided it’s staying in the diary/journal phase.  I have kept journals on and off throughout my life, never with much success. I’m really trying, because it’s therapeutic to at least put my thoughts out there to re-read later, and keep in mind if you’re reading my blog I do NOT want your sympathy. That emotion doesn’t sit well with me. 

I may be a hypochondriac, or at least bordering on it.  This new, odd mole on my leg is freaking me out.  I’m asking my doc about it Monday when I go, but in the meantime it’s causing me stress even though it’s 99.9% likely that it’s nothing at all.  I’m also partially convinced we’re all going to die of the Swine Flu anyways.  Another problem causing me stress is that I was always convinced I’d die at age 27.  That wasn’t so fearful, until I turned 27 last November, and I’m going to be SOOO relieved in 3 months when I turn 28 because dying really isn’t something I want to do right now.

In other (lighter) news, my child and her friends feel the need to congregate at my house an HOUR before the school bus comes.  The other girls come here at 6:45am and knock on my door, and my dog barks and I immediately start the day off with a headache.

I just absolutely LOVE it when people proclaim “I’m a grammer nazi” on their Facebook/a message board/etc.  Genius.

If you can’t bother to text me whole words, I’m not answering.  “Wat r u doin 2morrow” does not really make me want to be doing anything with you.

I’m not a grammar elitist by any means, I often use run-on sentences and make up my own words sometimes. Prepositions are beyond my comprehension at times. I never know when to use ‘whoever’ or ‘whomever’.  WTF is a clause?  

It’s just a huge pet peeve of mine when people don’t follow simple spelling and usage rules.

I don’t blog about anything of importance. I kind of hope no one is reading this crap, simply because I only ramble on when I’m bored haha.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller… kidding, I just wish I had something interesting to blog about

Moving was definitely a great thing, but now I don’t even have the company of my mom. I spend my days working, my nights hanging with my kid. I’m not outgoing, I’m not clever. Making friends is never easy for me.  The people I knew here already only want to do things that cost money, and I’m broke.

I’m not unhappy, don’t get me wrong. I’m just BORED.  When I’m done working, I wander around my apartment cleaning my already clean counters. I watch my neighbors and try to figure out what their stories are. Even the internet doesn’t provide me much entertainment anymore.  I can’t wait for S. to visit.. 3 weeks! That will bring some much-needed adult interaction to my life, not to mention a hiatus from my current hermit status.

That is the subject of this post, at least to start out with. Bugs *shudder*.

One thing about the south is the bugs are a-plenty. There’s no stopping them, they will find a way in and they will show themselves to you, which I suppose is better than hiding bugs that you don’t know about.  Last week the exterminator came out and sprayed, and I thought my bug problem was over for a while.

Unfortunately, my kid is a SLOB. There were baby carrots under the counter on the floor and there was a quart of melted ice cream on her nightstand.  Not to mention the chocolate covered fingerprints on the fridge door. Sooo I saw another roach today. I’m either going to kill her or break her and force her into being a neat freak.  The worst part is I’m the one who FINDS the bugs. She’s either sleeping or not home when they appear, and I’m left to deal with the killing and cleanup of the bug.  I can invest in all kinds of bug sprays or harrass my apartment managers into constant exterminator visits but if she’s FEEDING them, they’ll keep hanging out.